Depression never goes away but we keep fighting

Every year one of the resolutions I make but don't ever talk about is that this year is the year I won't give in to my depression and let it dictate a single day of my life. Even when insomnia takes hold, I spend hours crying, my body hurts, my brain can't be silenced, and all I want is to quiet the world around me, to be still and move as little as possible. 

This is not the first battle, I've probably lost more battles in my life then I've won, given in to it, but I keep pushing on. I feel too much, everything. Most people think of me as cold hearted, blunt, and shallow. The truth is people's words and actions haunt my thoughts even if I know I've done nothing wrong. The truth is the ONLY thing I wouldn't give up is my family. I've fought this fight since I was a preteen. I've rejected and sought help. I've drank, I've hid, ran, stayed, left, chased adrenaline, etc. 

I've had people say they admire how far I've come. They can remember how "troubled" I was and how well I'm doing now. 

They want to know what my secret is. The secret? There is no secret. It's still a fight. Depression is still ugly. It still haunts my thoughts, steals my sleep, crumbles my days. I have just come to accept that it will always be there and pop up when you should be happy and embracing the blessings in your life. 

Today I accept that I will have to use all my will power to stay out of my bed, interact with my family, and do simple chores to keep our household clean, healthy, and moving forward because this is my battle. 

I've done well this year... this is my first spell this bad since last September/October, and that is a great victory. I may not be ok tomorrow or the next day, but I WILL be ok again. There is sooo much more I could say about depression, my personal experience, treatments, research, what's wrong, what caused this bout, and how I'm handling but it's redundant. 

Careful what you wish for

I started this year wanting to change our stars and that is still the goal. However, I made the horrible mistake of complaining about and praying for our life to be less mundane. 

Oh boy did I screw that one up! 

I pretty much got laid off at work. They cannot afford to keep me on so I am looking for a new job, but have not received a call back. My vehicle is running but until we get a new shift motor and tires it might as well not be. We are so close to financially get some breathing room when for some stupid reason the bank sent our check back even though the checks have been going there for 3 years now. Logan got bucked off a horse and broke him arm, hello medical bills. My husband's grandmother was taken to the hospital and the results were not good. Everyone is very stressed out about her health and rightfully so. 

I want so bad to get rid of a lot of our meaningless possessions. Declutter or lives and move on to more enjoyable things. I have started this process some by downsizing our clothes. Still have a long way to go but it is a start. 

Nothing has gone right today and the stress is heavy, but with the sound of my children enjoying the summer and watching the kittens play cheerfully, my heart is light. 

I know God has a reason and something great planned for us. I just can't give up hope and keep moving forward. 

Crazy Chicken Lady

Farm Chronicles

My husband called me a crazy chicken lady! He's going to think I'm even more crazy when I bring it to his attention that I intend on ordering 10 more chicks come March, show quality chicks that is. These chicks are almost double the price of the chickens that we normally order, but our children wish to do 4-H this coming season and I think chickens will be a nice introductory animal.

I love watching my chickens scratching for bugs, taking dust baths, and enjoying their new coop that I was excited to get to paint this week. It was considerably warmer in thier coop during these last few days with freezing temperatures.

Today the chickens are out and about just as happy as could be. They may not be song birds but they coo and chirp while they merrily play in the sunshine 

We had wanted to be done with the calf pen already, but the weather did not cooperate with us. A lot of progress continues to be made though and that is truly what matters.

Soon we will be done renovating a trailer into a tool shed giving us somewhere to store many of our tools instead of unsightly on my porch.

Minimalist Journey

We have been downsizing and getting rid of a lot of things. We got rid of tons of belongings already. This weeks goal is to rid ourselves of the catch all broken china cabinet and most of the items on it. Having more room in the living room has been liberating.

We also got rid of satellite TV. We don't need it. We ended up only watching roughly 5 channels and paid over $100 (!) for it. Instead we have just internet, netflix, DVDs, and VHS. 

We will be doing more camping, hiking, sports, bike riding, and fishing instead of TV and movies. No more trips to the pool come summer instead our own above ground pool and inviting friends over. Instead of driving into town to watch a movie and spending over $100 each time we will get a projector and watch movies here outside with popcorn and a monthly budget of $20 for movies ($5-$7 movie bin at Walmart will be our friend).  This will cut our entertainment costs by a lot with minimum upfront costs. The kids have a large trampoline, a Playscape, and soon a swing set.

Family Life

Spring football and cheer will be starting up again. The kids are excited, but my oldest daughter has decided this will be her last season in cheer and she will move on to 4-H in the fall. My younger daughter is set on cheer while the boys still seem enthralled with football.

A lot has gone sideways in our small community here recently and it has struck everyone deep. Between deaths, illnesses, accidents, and burglaries the community has been shaken.

One thing that we regret is not having been active in the community this past year. One of the ways we are going to change that is by starting to attend church again which we haven't because of my work schedule. No more excuses. While I do wish the church had more of a youth ministry they seem to genuinely care for our family. Could someone really ask for anything more?

Homestead Goals for 2017

This year we are dedicating all our time and resources to getting our homestead working and functional. We ended the 2016 year with a 20 bale hay delivery and 2 calves.

We have many goals for this year, lots of physical labor and building. This week alone we have done some more work on the calf pen and picked up the wood to finish out the chicken coop. All the framing was done with repurposed wood. Also a big concern and push to get the coop finished here very soon as the coyotes and stray dogs are bad this time of year. We need to make sure our flock is safe!

 So the hopes are to have the pig tiller and chicken coop finished this week.

We have 19 of the 25 chickens we want to have for this year already.

Today Buttercup and Brisket got a new grain and hay feeder installed. They love it!

This beautiful mare has also joined the farm. My oldest daughter has dubbed her Angel. She is sure a gorgeous girl and a nice trail horse. We hope to do a lot more ridding this year.

One of our family goals for this year is to go camping more. We plan to do just that! I made reservations for one weekend coming up this month at a state park not too far from us!

Our list of veggies to garden this year is carrots, green beans, okra, tomatoes, and peppers. Fruits that will be planted are strawberries, orange, lemon, and elderberry.

I hope y'all have had a wonderful Christmas and New Year!

Christmas List- Oh how times have changed

In a group on Facebook, that I am apart of, they were talking about Christmas wish lists. I started thinking about what I wanted for Christmas and how things have changed over the years. People listing luxury items and some functional things. In high school I wanted things like a specific pair of jeans, a CD from my at the time favorite band, vans, headphones, etc... I have my children's Christmas list that are full of things like the latest toy on TV and something cool one of their friends have at school.

A lot in my life has changed from those days, a lot has changed in the last 2 years alone. Yes we have been at the farm now for just over two years, but nothing seemed to progress.

In the last 6 months things have fallen apart and rebuilt differently than before making way for some hope, some progress. We have made some actual friends here now, not ones who said one thing and then did another. We were in a bad accident that totalled our truck and unfortunately the other driver didn't make it. Our prayers are with his family. My cousin has come to live with us on the farm and has turned out to be a big help. I have a great boss for my weekend job and the local farmers/ranchers have kept Michael busy. My oldest son has had a lot better school year and played football. My girls enjoyed cheer, but one of my girls grades suffered a little so we will have to reevaluate for next year.

We are doing a lot of under brush clearing, we have already started on fencing the rest of our property in, a barn will be going in soon, we have bees, rabbits, chickens, horses, pigs, and soon a few cows will be added. A garden, the way I wanted it, is being put in for spring this year with cold frames around the perimeter. A heater was put in the bathroom and a shower is being piped in. We fixed the majority of the wiring in the house as well. My porch has been turned into a greenhouse to save my more tropical sapling from winter.  We also have a huge delivery of hay coming in next week. We are in the middle of training a miniature to pull a wagon. In return we will get a wagon of our own to train our miniature to pull. We had two family heirloom children saddles repaired back to riding condition as well so we excited to see our children get a chance to use them.

So that brings us back to my wish list for Christmas this year. I wish for insulated work gloves, winter socks, a vacuum sealer with bags, a DSLR camera, and piping for my wood burning stove. I know the DSLR camera is highly unlikely as it has been on my list for years now, but I am hopeful for the rest and my fingers are crossed!

Teen rant

Ready for a rant??? Teen pregnancy! (I'll give some of y'all a moment to shutter or roll your eyes which ever you prefer) I'm very much an advocate of waiting until you are married. Teenagers should NOT being having sex. They are young, hormonal, and have NO idea what they are getting themselves into!!!!! For most teens it's really just the thrill of sneaking around and the possibility of getting caught. If this is some of you younger friend's on my Facebook take some advice here please. Take up a sport, hunting, off roading, rollerblading, hiking, zip lining, performing arts, something else. You will get so much more out of it. Most teenage relationships don't last and then you will just feel empty, used, and angry plus other possible consequences. Before anyone yells and stomps their feet at me... I did say most. Some people beat the odds, does the unconventional thing, and lives happily ever after... If that's you congratulations. Now I'm sure their will be that other person that reads this and goes. Whatever chick, you have no idea what you are talking about. I am a statistic. I came from an upper middle class family. I went to a decent school. I had great friends. I was involved in the school and sports. I was smart enough to have been able to pass with flying colors. I was however an angry rebellious teenager. I skipped school a lot, snuck out, stayed up late, and slept in a lot. You couldn't tell me anything or make me do anything that I didn't want to do. I got pregnant and had my first baby at 17. I dropped out of school. I was homeless. I worked in a bar then fast food. Had places to live and then didn't. Had no support system. Had a bad relationship. Had very few real friends. Had my second baby at 19. I finally got up the courage to change my life. I ended the bad relationship, worked my rear end off to fix the bridges I burned. I went home where I knew we would have a support system, a roof, beds, food, and clean clothes. I found real love. I also had the chance to finish high school at 21 while 7 months pregnant with my 3rd child. My kids and I got a second chance. I sat in that classroom a lot when I went back to school and found myself wanting to cry just listening to the younger students there. We were the "at risk" students. A lot of them really didn't know what that meant. They just knew that they had jobs that conflicted with school, or they were pregnant, or that they could hurry up and finish high school faster there so they didn't have to stay with their parents anymore who were always trying to tell them how to live their lives. They thought I was their ages 15-17. They thought I was pregnant with my first baby until one day I signed myself out of school to take my oldest daughter to the doctor then stopped by on the way back after leaving my cell phone there accidently. They were even shocked that I had two kids in tow, I could sign myself in and out of school, was divorced, and pregnant with my third child. It really through them for a loop. Then it threw me for one. Girls asking me how much I get for child support, who was my baby's daddy if I was divorced, if my parents took care of my kids while I was at school or work. And so many other questions. They were living in the land of milk and cookies. I envied them. They were going to graduate on time while mommy and daddy took care of their baby and supported them. They got jobs so they could go to the movies and buy name brand clothes. They were the fade that teen pregnancy had/has become. Regardless we were all a statistic. These people thought it was hard when they really had it made. I had some people I knew back then that had a different story though. They had a story a lot like mine. Sad, lonely stories of being abandoned, abused, hungry, homeless, no support, no help, it feels like drowning over and over again.I wish I could be now the support those girls needed back then. How different our lives would be if we had had that. Sometimes being a statistic hurts. I wish I had an actual education. I didn't value it back then. I would have stayed home and would have let my parents help me. I wouldn't have a lot of the issues I have had. I would have never know what it felt like to not eat for days so that I knew my children could eat. I would have never known what it feels like to live in your car when there is a few inches of snow on the ground.

The Lonely Pepsi

The Lonely Pepsi

For a week now there has been a single lonely pepsi sitting on the table in my dinning room... I clean daily, but just havent remove it. You see, no one that currently lives here drinks pepsi. I think I leave it there for memories sake. Such a trivial, insignificant thing most would think, but I kind of like it. 

The night of December 3rd was the last night Michael would be home before he had to go back to Afghanistan to do his job, his duty to our country and our family. We ate dinner that night standing around the small table while mom and the kids sat. Us sipping the drinks I made for him, Yoana, and myself, pineapple juice (yes heather you read that right pineapple juice, I bet I atleast got a smile out of you), orange juice, and coconut rum. Of course I was anticipating him leaving and my drink was stronger then everyone else. Michael had just sat his unopened pepsi down on the table when I appeared with our drinks. We ate and drank and then as we were finishing Yoana left to go pick up her brother from some sports thing... I think... It was ice cold that night.

As soon as Yoana left we retreated to the outdoor hot tub. Thank you mom for taking on all 3 of my darling little brats. I admire your courage lol. We spent probably a good hour playing in the water and enjoying each others company on our last night together until this summer when he returns to us. We laughed so much that night both our sides hurt. A few times he laughed so hard I was afraid he was going to go under and drown (not real). Then the propane heater got too hot and put a damper on our evening but even through shivering had fun daring each other to get out of the pool into the freezing cold air to check on the heater... lol I love you baby... he did it not me... brrrr... it was cold. 

We finally got out of the now cold water to snuggle up on the couch together with some hot chocolate and old episodes of the nanny until we fell asleep. 

He woke me at 3:30 am, telling me he had already finished packing his stuff into the truck and said his goodbye to the kids that it was time to go the airport to drop him off. Brainlessly still wearing my black CCC youth group shirt and gray boxers slipped on my moms ugly pink flip flops and climbed into the truck. We stopped for gas and then without speaking drove to the Harlingen airport. 

As we pulled into the airport it really hit me he was leaving again and I teared up. He sat in the parking lot looking at me for a few then kissed me and with a single tear escaping from his eye said remember baby I love only you and you have the hardest job in the Army, but you have to be strong for all of us. He kissed me again and said he had to go get his ticket and make it to his gate. I nodded and said I love you. Without any other words he grabbed his bag and left. I sat and watched him walk away. Every other time he left he never looked back, but this time as he reached the big arch in the opening of the ticket terminal he did, but only for a momment... I never felt his love more then right then when he simply looked back at me. I considered getting out and running up to him for one more hug. I knew it would only make it harder to watch him leave though. I broke down into a fit of tears and watched him walk all the way up to the ticket counter before driving away.

The lady at the parking lot exit asked me if I was ok as I handed her my parking ticket. I told her I just had to drop off my husband so that he could go back to Afghanistan. She looked sad as I said that and said Im so sorry, may God bless you both and tell him Thank you for me. I said I would and thanked her as I drove away. I drove by the Target that 2 week earlier he surprised me and Kayley at. It was the lonliest drive home, but I was filed with pride and love for my baby.

Upon returning home I was restless. almost 2 hours later after changing into his shirt and cuddling our daughter I finally fell asleep. Sara woke me 45mins later with a "Mama, where's Michael" "He had to go back to the Army baby" "Like Grampa and my uncle" "yes baby, but he went to Afghanistan not Iraq" "wheres that?" "far away baby" "mama dont cry I love you" I love you too baby" I leaned over to hug her and noticed his pepsi still sitting on the table from the night before. My mind replayed what it remembered took place the night before all centered around Michael's pepsi and I cried. 

We were so happy we got to see or talk to everyone we did while Michael was home and if we missed you I hope we get to see or hear from you next time we are all home together this summer. 

~JessyLynn 

I wrote this December 10, 2009

Old Red

After days like today I miss a dear companion of mine from my childhood. She has passed on since those blissful days, but we sure did have fun, went through so much, and trusted each other.

I miss those carefree days with my greatest sidekick old Red Dog. 15 years ago we were both in the best part of our lives. We would have spent today running through the orchards, chasing rabbits in the brush, or exploring an abandoned building. Just her and I in nature doing what we wanted. Many times we would sit by the pond behind the house watching ducks and fish, as she listened encouragingly to all my accomplishments, joys, sorrows and pains. She'd sit there with me as I poured my heart out to God. She would run and jump for joy when I was happy dancing around. Even when I was mad and pushed her a way she was understanding and loving when I was ready for her company again.

Today I wish you were with me old Red Dog. You got me through some pretty harsh times in my life like no one else could. I wish I could hug you and sit at that pond with you one more time. Thank you dear friend, there will never be any replacing you. One day I will see you again and we will run through the clouds together.

Home on the ranch.

Here at the Rocking GJ things are coming along slowly. We have been working on my in law's house so we can finish getting them moved, so we can start fixing up our cabin and building pens for the animals. I'm hoping to get started on that before fall really hits.

School started last week for my oldest three. The mornings are a lot earlier for us now. We are up by 4:45am getting ready then off to the bus stop by 6:10am. They seem to like their classes so far and I pray they all flourish. They don't really comprehend yet that they will graduate high school with most of these kids now because we aren't going anywhere.

We are still looking for work, but very hopeful we find something soon, very soon. We have phone bills, truck payments, and utilities that will be due, not to mention food, and all our resources are now tapped out. Pray something presents itself as soon as possible.

In adjacent to working on my in law's house, we have worked out a deal with a woman who runs a rescue for work in trade for goods that we need for our cabin, flooring, tiles, paint, etc. I am hoping we can also get a wood burning stove before it gets too cold here.

Not that we have seen much of a break from the heat here in central Texas, but my mind has already left summer behind and is preparing for cooler temperatures. I must prepare the children, cabin, and animals for it before the temperature drops. Luckily we purchased thick coats for the children at the end of the season last year when we found carhart like coats at 60% off. We were able to get them for roughly $17 each. Of course we bought them in bigger sizes than was needed at the time.

My children are seeming to adjust well to rural life so far. This week we are focusing on finishing the bathroom for my in laws. Next week I really want to set up a place for the kids to play that is all theirs. Ideally we will pull out all the underbrush, clean up the area from trash and fallen limbs, move the picnic table for them to be able to use and paint it with chalkboard paint, put up the swing set, and build a small fence possibly out of wooden pallets. At some point it would be nice to build them a fort to play in and store their outside toys in.

We walked around the front half of the property, which is where we are going to put most of our projects being that it is close to our cabin. It is beautiful and has a lot of potential, but needs a lot of work.

My love had a job interview this past Saturday and I am hopeful that I receive a call back today about a job. However we have more applications out and will be putting more in since nothing is definite yet.

A lot of people probably think I have forgotten about them or ignoring them. This is not the case and you are very much on my mind. Currently working is going on from sun up to sun down. Most of the time I have to make non-business calls is before 7am or after 9pm. So please don't take my silence offensive. I still love you very much.

Until next time we will be here living life Off the path, around a corner, and down a dirt road.

He fought for me

While I am an Army wife, granddaughter, sister, and cousin to many branches of service this entry is for my father and America.

Happy fourth of July to all my readers that still believe in the country that so many of our beloved citizens fought and or died for.

Here we are, my children and I at my parents house playing outside with my mother in the garden, drinking coffee. Later we will play in the pool, eat a few burgers, and watch fireworks. As a child I was kind of irritated every fourth of July because my dad never took part in our activities longer than a few minutes. Why did he not want to be part of our lives? Why did he always hide from us? Most holidays were like this.

I get it now daddy. You went to war more than once for your family and country. The crowds and noise are intense reminders of the things you went through multiple times which are going to forever be trapped in your mind. The battle for you will never end.

You went to war so that I would not have to see the devastation of battle. In hopes of defending us from terrorist foreign or domestic. So you could see your children and grandchildren live the American dream freely.

You and so many before you have left families and friends behind to join and pick up arms to defend us. Some of your brothers passed on in violent ways right before your eyes.

So for all the years I was mad at you for missing my game, award ceremony, the birth of my children, and family events, I am truly sorry for being so ignorant and childish and I forgive you for being absent. I can't ever thank you and all the service members that fought with honor and pride for America enough for your sacrifice. I love you and America.

Here in Texas!

Hello from Rockport Texas! We have had so much going on, but not nearly enough!

Every time we have had time to plant it has rained. It is getting frustrating to not get things accomplished due to the weather. I am determined to get our seedlings in the ground even if it is raining this week! Our vining plants, corn, and sunflowers are simply not going to wait for us any longer. 

Lucky's first litter of babies are due anytime now. I am very nervous on how she is going to handle birthing and motherhood. Pray everything goes smoothly for her and the babies.

This week we are welcoming six baby chicks, two cornish white, two rhode island reds, and two white leg horns. More prayers to hoping we ended up with a rooster in the bunch... and only one.

This week we also welcomed, my mare, Molly's long awaited foal. She had a beautiful healthy filly we have named Bell per my crazy girl Kayley's request.

We are also getting a cute little male blue heeler pup in a few weeks to add to our herd.

Sara ended up needing glasses when we went to the eye doctor last week. She picked out some cute blue frames. Kayley is officially potty trained and excited to be going to school next year. Michael Wayne is finally acting interested in the potty. Thomas is coming up with several new words a week. Logan had a boy scout camp this last weekend and had a blast! Everyone is hopeful Daddy will be home at least for a visit in 6-8weeks. We are having a great time staying with my grandmother. I start Spanish and algebra in college on the 7th. We are heading to visit my parents for a week on Thursday. I am going to start working on getting set up to be a scout leader for boy and girl scouts here soon too.

As y'all can tell we've got a lot going on around here getting a foundation for our new chapter in life started up. Now to iron out the wrinkles and get daddy home!

How much change is healthy for a person?

The little girl that changed my entire life several years ago just turned 8 the end of January. She was very excited with all her presents. She got a toy dog, a new fishing rod, a boombox, and an airsoft pistol.

Now we are back to reality. My cousin left this morning from our visit together and on the road to her new life with her husband and adorable son. I have an enormous amount of cleaning and packing to do still before the kids and I head to Texas. So much moving is going on not just with us but all around us.

I have also been considering other changes. Everyone probably knows I am currently majoring in environmental science with plans to transfer and major in agriculture.  The more and more I think about this though, and the more I progress my education the less it feels right. It seems like a ridiculous fantasy, but I feel that I should be writing to inspire people. People who have read my work before say mix things. Some people love my writing and question why I do not write more or get my work published. Other people are not as enthusiastic about my works and rate it very low. So I sit and ponder if I should stay on my current track or adventure to a less familiar path and write.

Changing winds...

It is cold here in northern middle Tennessee, but that sure has not slowed us down.  We are more busy then ever. The kids and I leave Tennessee to head to Texas on the 20th of this month. We are in downsizing, packing, and cleaning mode. We will be living with my grandma for a few months, either until Michael joins us or until middle July. Which ever comes first. After leaving my grandma's house we will all be moving into an RV while we focus on the start of our house. 

I am going to school full time right now. I'm considering putting the kids into public school as soon as we get to Texas or finishing out the year and then just starting them back in public school in the fall.

I am still very leery about settling down in this specific town, but it is the most stable idea. I'm not sure if my discomfort comes from the unknown scars of the place, my thoughts of disadvantage, the thought of rooting my gypsy spirit in one place, the lack of a fresh start, or my fear of losing something I'm not sure I ever really had. I pray God protects us as we move into this uncertainty. It is however very exciting. New chapters in my book of life has always had a sense of adventure and mystery, two things that excites my very being. Will we sink or swim?

Things for the move seem to be falling into place. There is great hope that we will be getting a truck and trailer for the farm at a wonderful deal. Two very important items for the farm. Once we move and Michael finishes our lease here in Tennessee,  we will hopefully have a good amount saved to get our septic and electric ran at the farm.

We had some paperwork that had to be taken care of, but I think everything is squared away and ready to go.

Thomas is picking up words like a champ. When Michael rejoins us in Texas I think he will be impressed with Thomas's vocabulary.  I sure am going to miss that man while we are apart again. It was a little less than a year ago that we had gotten him back from his last deployment with the Army. Now we prepare to separate again, but on a different set of circumstances. Hopefully communication will be better this time around. 

I greatly look forward to spending time with my grandma and my best friend in Texas though. They are two of the best people I know. Also another one of my favorite people will be here for a visit tomorrow!  I am excited!

Birthday fun

My younger daughter, Kayley, turned 4 Wednesday. We won't be celebrating it til Saturday though. The plan is to have a Minnie mouse tea party for her birthday. Tomorrow morning I will be baking pink and purple sugar cookies.

For Logan's last birthday we had pizza, ice cream, and a water balloon fight. Next year is going to be tough for his birthday because we will just have moved again. We will probably have a party for him in Rockport being that we have family there and it's a good midpoint from us and the rest of the family.

Poor Michael Wayne, he always seems to get the short straw being that his birthday is so close to Christmas. I have hopes that once we get settled at the farm and lay down some roots that things will be different for all the kids.

Tonka's birthday wasn't much to holler about but everyone was happy that daddy made it home for his 1st birthday.

Sara has always had a lot of friends which made it easy to have a party for her. Last years was a bust because everyone was sick and daddy was deployed, but we will make it up this year. The big 8! Hard to believe that little baby that turned my world upside-down when I was 17 will be 8 in 2 months! Both girls said they want horses for their birthdays. Ha! Sorry girls not this time around.

Sara also says she wants to learn to train horses like daddy does :D. My kids make me proud every day. This week,  Logan wants to be a fire fighter in Texas, Michael Wayne wants to be a police officer, Sara wants to be a horse trainer,  Kayley wants to be a farmer. I want to be a kid when I grow up lol. Dream big babies, then reach out and grab it!

Tonka seems to be picking up a new word at least every other day. I am so proud of him, but it breaks my heart that my last little baby is growing so very fast and there won't be any more little ones to cuddle. It hurts but the future is bright as we open new chapters for each one of them. 

A good, valuable friend of mine cut the girls and my hair recently. She did an absolute wonderful job. I really like my cut and both girls look gorgeous. Sara complies to the request to brush her hair and Kayley's curls are bouncy and free. I find that my hair is a lot more manageable now too. I took probably close to 8 inches off.

Our time tables for going home may have changed some. Only time will tell, sooner then later though. So much to do and so little time to achieve it in. 

30 day Facebook challenge

My husband and I decided that Facebook was taking up to much of my time so I'm Facebook detoxing. The only reason you will see this on my blog fan page is because I can post it from my phone without logging on to it. So 30 days with no facebook and I will be re-amping my look. If I can't stick it out it's $100 in motorcycle parts for him. Wish me luck we are on day 4 now.

We switched up our curriculum a little again too. We will continue with all in one homeschooling for reading and math, but going back to Abeka for history, health, and science. We shall see how that goes for now. I'm also looking into Classic Curriculum for reading and math along side Ray's Arithmetic and Mcguffey Readers. I would like to move away from relying heavily on the internet for school because I don't know how much access we will have at the farm in the beginning. 

Last night the girls and boys spent the night at friends' houses and Michael and I went out on a dinner date and dancing. It was wonderful even if we didn't get home til after 4 and were up by 7 to take the kids to a rodeo. It was a lot of fun with some pretty great people.  I didn't feel quite so old for once even if my husband has a big mouth at times when he should bite his tongue. However, I am so glad that is not a weekly reoccurring ritual. I very much enjoy hanging out with my kids and, funny enough, take comfort in my to do list waiting for me every day. I like my no makeup, mix matched socks, loose fitting t-shirts, and hair up in a bun. I love kissing my husband in the kitchen when he comes to pick at what I'm cooking. I love holding sleeping babies and watching my children grow. 

My oldest sister Jenny, just moved to a city closer to where our farm is in Texas.  Hopefully, she will become a more active part of the kids and my life once we get all moved back next year. I am honestly considering moving back home sooner then later. First, I really miss my other sister, Heather, who is also my best friend. Not to mention my niece and nephew. Second,  I really want to spend more time with my grandma then I really think I will get to this summer. It feels like it will be rushed. Third, I want to get a garden in the ground this spring so that we will have a good harvest come fall time when my husband will be joining us.

Heather called me today to tell me she replaced her car's alternator pretty much by herself. I'm so proud of her. She did a real good job. Not that I have to, but it makes me worry a little less about my loved ones when I know they have the knowledge to be less co-dependent on other people for help. Like paying a mechanic to simply replace an alternator. I think it's a waste for such an easy task and a lifesaver at times to be self sufficient. 

letter to myself

Driving around today going to appointments and running errands I thought about myself for a few minutes.  I came home did some cleaning, worked on dinner, and let my thoughts drift away with the music from days long gone. If I could have written myself a letter and some how got it to myself at 13 what would I have said. Here is what I came up with:

Jessy,

Things seem terrible now but keep your chin up it is worth it! All the pain and heartache will be paid back to you in with all the love and blessings.  Evil people lurk everywhere in this world don't let them take away from you the best things you have. Your faith, joy, and innocence are beautiful gifts. You are only a victim if you let them have the upper hand on you.

Keep on keeping on,
Jessy

Jessy, 
Girl, 14 is fun! Stop holding on to those ambers that keep burning your heart. Live! You can't see it now, but everyone loves you! Embrace it instead of dwelling on your hurt. I promise you, you don't have to try, you are loving, you care, you are spunky, and fun. Focus on that, never leave the little guy behind. GO TO CLASS even if you are bored! Colleges don't care about your potential or how well liked you are just what's on that paper at the end.

Love your life,
Jessy

Jessy,  wow 15! Congratulations you are still with us. Hey I know you think you are in love and he is an awesome guy, but doll he's going to leave you and while it's going to hurt savour it while he's here. Enjoy this summer with him, ignore the rumors, you know they aren't true and don't feel the need to make them true. When he leaves you when school lets back in don't take it so hard. Stay his friend after you have had your time to heal. Trust me you have forever touched his heart and left a glowing smile, but if you push it will take a long time to build back a friendship with him. Now the rebound from him gets interesting. Brace yourself its a wild spiral of a ride. Don't lose yourself.

You got this,
Jessy

Jessy, you sure you are only 16? You have taken some interesting paths here. First off, just because you seem to have the bad boy that all the girl swoon over around your finger doesn't mean you should. You got hurt, don't jump back into a relationship so fast. You need longer to be you, just you, not you and him. You are not going to listen to me or anyone else though so listen to this. You are going to hurt yourself more then you have ever hurt before, but don't cast out your friends because you took a new path. You will never get this back. You will lose all the people that adore and admire you for a guy. Just be you! Stop striving to be societies normal, you broke that mold, don't conform to it, you are worth so much more then you think.

GO TO CLASS!
Jessy

Jessy,  well hey most people don't become adults or parents for several more years, but congratulations on your pregnancy in 2.5 months. While you are going to make so many more FLAT OUT FOOLISH mistakes, partially because you are a CHILD and have no right making adult decisions,  you are going to have to lay down in the bed you make. Not that you ever do, but don't blame anyone else for your struggles and pain. Focus on that little baby, she is going to be your saving grace. Be quick to say you are sorry and rebuild those bridges full heartedly with family and friends. Do not lose your faith, no matter how much pain you have don't let it break your spirit. Things do change, people don't usually unless they want it.

God speed beautiful,  I'll be praying for you
Jessy

So, 18, dropped out of high school, gave up on all your dreams, hate your life, no real friends or family. Your mom is the only person who still thinks you have hope and you are pregnant again. It is going to get worse before it gets better. One of the best decisions you make in a good while is to tell that doctor to shove it when they try pressure you. My only advice is to stop taking that medication. Doctors do not know everything and keep your faith. You are going to need it. Tell your dad what he means to you. He will go to bat for you when you feel helpless. You are daddy's little girl after all.

Pray more often,
Jessy

19, I told you that doctors don't know everything! He's got some health issues, but isn't he beautiful. He is the sweetest and loving baby! People snub their noses at you so often. Things can't seem to get worse. Your pain is mental and physical. You hurt so bad, but don't lose hope. Those babies need you so much. PRAY! God is on your side! Dream!  God is listening! He knows. You are worthy! feel like you have nothing left including yourself. It may be true,  but God, those babies, and your mom are rooting for you! Give it to God. He will make light at the end of the tunnel.

You are not worthless
Jessy

20, I told you there was light at the end of the tunnel. He is the one. He cares about your dreams and happiness. It will not always be sunshine and rainbows, but never doubt his love. He has been hurt and jaded so don't compare. He will stand by you no matter what. He will choose you. This is the best thing. You have lived through a lot of hurt, but that isn't his fault. Feel the sunshine on your skin again.  Learn to live again.  You have so many journeys to look forward to. Rebuild you. Be the you, you dreamed of. Build your family happy and strong.

Smile,
Jessy

P.s. see you off the path, around a corner and down a dirt road. Spoiler you graduate high school! Congratulations!

Autumn

Happy fall 2013!

     I've been looking forward to this since winter last year. We already have our fire pit dugout for those crisp evenings in the back yard. If the weather is good we are going to camp out in the yard next weekend. Traditionally the 1st day that has a hi under 75 we strike up the fire pit and under 65 we make chili.
     Those of you that follow my Facebook page know that we will be changing curriculums starting today. I personally am very excited.
     Girl scouts, boy scouts, 4-H, and now a book club are all in full swing and taking a lot of time up, but I love seeing how much the kids are enjoying it all. They are all so eager to start a new adventure as soon as we finish one. We have also perused pen pals again.  Sara and Kayley have started writing the same pen pals as last year, but Sara would like a second pen pal (she is almost 8). If you have a child that maybe interested please contact me on our blog fan page on facebook.
      We have pumpkin patches, pioneer exhibits, lots of lapbooks, our traditional family apple day, mini golf, and hopefully a fall festival on the agenda for this fall. We can't wait to share it all with you. I hope to have the pictures up from our backwoods camping trip this week.

Backwoods learning- homeschool style

     Friday morning we left out to go off grid camping and it was just what the doctor ordered for our bogged down family!  The 1st night there the kids learned about building a camp fire and fire safety.  We had snake and beans! Michael killed it and showed the kids how to skib and gut it. They also learned how to pitch a tent made from their ponchos and liners.  The second day we went fish. The kids caught all our bait and collected freshwater clams for dinner. We washed the clothes in the lake, hung them to dry, did cemetery tombstone rubbings, went hiking,  had s'mores for dessert and took shifts keeping the fire going all night! It was so wonderful and we didn't hear any complaints til it was time to break up camp on the 3rd day. I wish we could have stayed longer.

     The second night when we stayed up to tend the fire I took the 1st shift from 8pm to 1am with Sara as my buddy. It was wonderful getting to stay up and spend time with just my oldest baby and have no distractions. We talked about God and the bible. She said sometimes she misses me because we are so busy but that she's glad we are homeschooling now because she gets to spend so much more time together as a family.  She also said she is excited that we are finally moving home to the farm next summer. It is amazing the things you hear when all the buzzing stops and you can just listen to the little ones around you. She reinforced my decision to homeschool them. I love them so deeply.

     I took over the cloverbuds program for the homeschooling groups 4-H club and our 1st meeting was tonight. I really enjoyed it and loved seeing my kids interact with other kids. The parents were pretty awesome too! There is some really neat kids in the group and I loved all the participation we had. I can't wait til our next meeting! 

    I finished and received my career diploma finally for auto mechanic. I am excited and happy to say I had a 4.0!

Nothing that comes easy is worthwhile

First off I am sorry for not keeping up with the blog the last two weeks. Everything has been so hectic that I've barely had a chance to breath.

Girl scouts and boy scouts are back in full swing! We have also hooked up with the homeschool co-op and 4H. I have taken on being the leader for the clover buds. I have my SATs on the 16th of October and our anniversary at the end of this month. 

School is great on most days but we sure are busy. I'm excited about this upcoming week in school.  We add a little more substance and some really cool projects. I think we may need to start getting up earlier though. I would like to keep it where we finish school by lunch time.

Today we went on a 4 mile walk at the Clarksville Greenway!  The kids actually did pretty wonderful.  Logan who is usually the one to start complaining first did not complain one bit and Sara ran most of the way. I sure hope with fall around the corner we can do more outside activities, but with my husband's injuries and doctor appointments we will have to see how it goes.

Speaking of fall, I am excited that it is getting close. I am ready to break out the hoodies and fire pit. Autumn is by far my favorite season and we have several "extra-curricular" activities I'm dying to do with the kids.

I have been so tired from all the running that I just melt into bed at night and think "why do I do this? Why do I run myself ragged every day til I ache and hurt and mentally exhausted"! Well because if it was easy it wouldn't be worth it and my babies are very much worth it.

Kicking off the school year!

This was our 1st full week of homeschooling and it was GREAT!

I loved it and feel my kids and I are getting better bonding time. We have so many things going on for the kids here in the near future. We have girl scouts,  boy scouts,  4H, and possibly cheer and dance.  Whoa am I going to be tired running around nonstop.

We will be doing some major downsizing over the next several months. We will be moving into the camper and RV on the farm while we build our house. It sure will be interesting on rainy days, but there will be plenty of room to run and things to do.

I really do love our curriculum this year, but I'm thinking we need to have an online program next year with the space restrictions we will be facing, so affordable suggestions are welcome.

We also will be getting rid of a lot of our winter clothes. It does not get very cold back home. 2 hoodies and a couple long sleeve shirts is all we will really need for the winter, but the rest of the year is extra hot.

Any who, this weeks high lights for the kids were making popsicle stick houses and rock monsters!  The kids loved it. We also took dirt samples mixed it with water and talked about parts of soil.

My oldest son's 6th birthday was yesterday and the kids had a blast. We had a water balloon fight and made homemade pizza together.  It was delicious!  Friday evening Logan went to a swim party and met his new "den" for tiger scouts.  Then we took him to have ice cream just mommy, daddy, and him. He is growing up so fast it is hard to believe. It is hard to believe he was that tiny little baby with birth defects that the doctor tried so hard to convince me to abort. I am so glad I don't believe in abortion and that my oldest baby is here today and what a blessing he is! Also, defect free now minus a minor speech impediment.