Motivation... or the lack there of...

     The three youngest and I are on our own again today since daddy is on detail. It is dreary and wet out. I am lacking the motivation to go clean the other house. This surely will be an interesting trip.

     This afternoon after I finish for the day over there I plan on finishing the dishes and rearranging some things around the house. A lot of things have been unloaded into the school room where the definitely don't belong.

     I have been meaning to speak to my husband about it, but we have just been so busy with the move, preparing for him to get out of the Army and finances. I am considering putting my vet technician on hold and enrolling in the Agriculture program being that it is truly what I wanted to study. Since it is an actual degree from an actual college. It might be more beneficial for our family. There is several courses we could take right now. The possibilities are endless. I really want us to have our own business, but my love seems leery. 

You called me a what!?!?

     Well our day is coming to a close. All the kids have been fed, washed, read to, and are presumed to be sleeping. My love has left for work and I've cleaned up the kitchen. I am about to pick up what will be my school room in about two weeks when I shift through all the boxes that are currently being stored in it then pull it together.  Currently I'm just sitting here watching my dogs run around the yard while I drink my coffee and thinking. 

     What does it mean to other women to be a wife? Is it ju jst something to pass your time? Is it a chore? Is it something you just felt was suppose to be such as growing up? Is it a friendship you share with someone? A title?  A label?  An entitlement? 

     I was young and confused as to what went into being a wife when I married my 1st husband. We were both to immature to take on a marriage and it all turned sour and left a terrible after taste in our mouths for a good while.  I've done a lot of healing and can enjoy life now with the title wife without resentment.  I pray he can move passed it one day and settle down.

    I married my husband very shortly after my divorce was final. It was about two years from leaving my ex husband to marrying my love. That may not seem like much and I probably still wasn't as ready for marriage as I could have been.  The 1st 3 years with my love was a struggle and we both had growing up to do and made mistakes and hurt each other. We did it all together though.  We worked together and grew together. We formed an amazing loving friendship. I adorn his last name because I am his, I belong to him and I belong with him.

     Our children are amazing and fun little people. We strive to give them wonderful childhoods and raise them to be polite, productive, with ethics and morals,  and joys to be around. They bring smiles to our faces and LOTS of sounds to our life. However, when everything is down to the black and white he is the reason I do what I do. He is why I cook, clean,  do the laundry,  clear the table, sweep,  make the bed, mow the yard, do the dishes,  etc. The kids don't care if the house is a mess, if they have clean clothes,  if we eat cereal 3 times a day, or if the grass comes to their chests. They just care that their tummies are full, that mommy and daddy loves them, and that they have something to smile about.

     My love keeps me sane, calm, and loving our life together.  In return for all the meaning he brings to my life I do my best to please him and make his life enjoyable.  I try to keep him happy, proud of us, I try to make his wants and needs important and possible.  I try to keep him smiling and laughing.  I try to put him before myself and follow his lead. Because of him daily I try to better myself. If I and good enough for an amazing person like him surely I have worth and meaning in my life. He is my lover.  He is my best friend. He is my support system.  He is my teacher.  He is my confidence at times. Because of him I am a wife.

     Our marriage is not perfect.  We don't always see eye to eye. We get on each other's nerves,  we bicker, we have bad days, and we've made each other cry, but we are WE. Two hearts that became one. No personal identity lost but meaning gained.

     Thank you God for putting him on my path to walk together and allowing me to be his WIFE.

Another day in our crazy house.

My oldest two babies went to visit their father in Texas on Tuesday. I never noticed how much they really entertained the younger three until today while my love was trying to nap cause he's working all night. A fox got to our female rabbit last night. While they are for meat that we have them, I'm glad none of the kids saw that mess. We went to the farmer's market this morning and got some wonderful fresh milk, cream, eggs, tomatoes, and some crocheted hand towels for the kitchen. I can't wait til we get back to the farm in Texas with our cows, horses, chickens, and rabbits. I'm going to miss the Clarksville area. We have made some wonderful friends here. I hope I will be able to say the same about the place we plan on settling down at.

Update!

The deployment is over and we have started the count down to the day that we are done with military life and move back to the family farm in Texas. Time for major buckling down.  We are also in the process of moving off post. We now have TWO horses and *hopefully* my mare is pregnant. My oldest two leave tomorrow to spend the summer with their dad :( I always miss them greatly. We have a nice large yard now. Its nice that the kids have a place to play and we are going to use the enclosed breeze way as our school room. Homeschooling is surely going to be an adventure next year but I'm excited. I'm taking my lit exam today so wish me luck. I have a strong conviction that we have an at home business,  but I'm not sure what to do yet and my love is hesitant. Pray that we find the direction that God has for us. I'm really hoping to spend next summer with my grandma learn some of the wonderful things she knows how to do. Their is so much we can learn from the people around us if we would just have the drive and commitment to learn it. Listening to my children play together and thinking about our future, if they don't gain anything else from me I hope the gain the want and drive to always yearn to better themselves.  I couldn't be more blessed to have such a great family and some wonderful friends.  I love them all.

Budget cuts, homeschooling, and compassion fatigue...

I am STRESSED! I really want this deployment to be over. It has been almost a month of sick kids back to back, financial disasters, and big attitudes. Now the military is taking major budget cuts. I get the money has to come from somewhere and we will survive no matter what happens, it is just making my life a lot harder right now. I really can't remember sleeping past 7am or showering before 8:30pm. I haven't had a down day in a long while. I really miss my partner in all this. I can't wait for the day when this deployment is over and we can close this chapter. I can't say everything has been bad about this deployment though. I have learned a lot about myself, my limitations, who is really a friend and who really doesn't matter. We've had deployment gremlins and we've had heavenly blessings all come our way. I'm just ready to not have to weather everything, the good and the bad, alone. The compassion fatigue is wearing on me bad. For now, we continue to wait...

The things that really matter

Sometimes we get so caught up in all the things that are really just busy work. I love the things I'm involved with and I was worried about letting people down since for the last two weeks I haven't been able to do much. We've had a lot of sick kids in the house that require my attention. I am more concerned with cuddling them and making sure they are as comfortable as they can be while sick. The adults that I was worried about letting down are grown-ups that should understand that my 1st priority is to my children that depend on me to meet their physical and mental needs, then to my husband who I promised to summit to and serve to the best of my ability. Then it is to my parents and grandma because with out them nothing we have been working towards would even be a thought. There is many things I love to devote my time and energy to, but we must place our priorities according to importance and learn to say no without stress or guilt. I love all the blessings God has given me even through the struggles such as this deployment.

A year and a half later

Hello ya'll it has been a long busy time. This little guy here is Thomas David and he just turned 8 months old. He is the newest addition to our family. So for the record we currently have 5 kids, 2 dogs, 1 cat, and a horse currently here in Kentucky with us. We also have 2 cows and several chickens at the farm in Texas with plans for another cow, meat rabbits, and if I get my way dairy goats. Life has been crazy! Several months ago my love deployed so it has just been me and the kids and the deployment grimlens and they have been naughty little boogers. However, lets not be negative here let us look at the positive things that have come to our lives since the last time we spoke. We finally have a plan! We have a goal as to what we are going to do at the end of our Army tunnel. I am scared and insecure about the future, but determind to make it work and find joy in it all. I am working on getting my vet tech certification and auto mechanic certificate at the same time! How cool is that! My oldest, Sara, is in girl scouts and we ARE homeschooling everyone next year. Boy am I excited about that! Michael, my love, will be working two jobs when he gets back if everything pans out. We need it so we can save up to pay for our house and his training for life in the civilian world. It will be here before we know it and we are really in the crunch time now.  I started an at home business selling jewelry and will be having my 1st product party on the 1st of March! I am really hoping it takes off. We really need it to work out for us. I know God will make a way for us. Hope ya'll have been well! Keep on smiling.