Tomorrow is a new day...

     Today was utterly wretched and made for a lot more uncertainty. I spent a good part of today starring out the window thinking. I didn't even fish when we went out to the marina this afternoon.  We have fallen on hard times again. Seems like everytime things look hopeful we fall.

     However,  tomorrow is a new day. I plan on spending a good part of the morning (after breakfast of course) preparing the flower beds for a garden and with some focus and drive do some planting.  The plans for the afternoon is to go spend sometime with our horses.

     With everything going wrong right now I find it comforting to hear my babies' laughs and see them smile. I hope my bigger two loves are having a great time and comfortable. I love all my babies. Even through the storms I am blessed to have everyone of them in my life and wouldn't change them for the world.

     I am still determined to homeschool them next year. Not only do I think I can give them more personal attention and a better education I am thrilled at the chance to have them home with me and the chance to have a closer knit family.  I have so many ideas and fun activities I'd like to do with them. Coming up with school supplies for a while is going to be a struggle but I'm sure everything will work out one way or another. 

    I have a few ideas that could possibly help out our current dilemma,  but I'm not sure yet. They are all in the brain storming process still. I'm just praying that God will make it clear to me very soon where to go from here now.

Uncertainties

     Well plans for our day changed fast. My husband forgot to take one of the car seats out of his vehicle before leaving to work so the kids and I did laundry and worked in the school room for a good part of the day.

     Change is a very exciting thing that should, to an extent, be embraced with opened arms. Our family loves adventures and we try to look at change as a new journey. Sometimes,  it is not so easy to stay up beat and positive about change.

     For as long as we have been together the military has been part of our family. It is a steady pay check, a support system, and a chapter turner. They have allowed us to see different places and meet many different people.  Our time with the Army is coming to an end though. This time next year the kids and I will be back in Texas waiting for my love to return to us from wrapping things up here.

    The uncertainty of employment and providing for our family makes me very uneasy.  We are struggling now to make it after dealing with the move and everything that comes with it. I've been in worse but promised to never go back to those days. So it truly is leaving me very unsettled. 

     I've never been a go getter when it came to building relationships with people. As much as I'd like to give people the benefit of the doubt I've been burned too many times. It never really mattered in this life though.  If you didn't hit it off with people there just wait 9months to a year. Either you would move or the people around you would. We will be "setting down roots" which means if I don't click with the people I probably won't ever click.

     As uneasy as I am about everything the excitement is bubbling.  We will finally get out of the city and out in to the country with our family, cows, chickens, cat, dogs, horses, and rabbits. It has been our dream from the beginning to raise our kids in the country on our own land growing and building. We want to be able to look back and say hey this is all the way it is because we did it... together...

Motivation... or the lack there of...

     The three youngest and I are on our own again today since daddy is on detail. It is dreary and wet out. I am lacking the motivation to go clean the other house. This surely will be an interesting trip.

     This afternoon after I finish for the day over there I plan on finishing the dishes and rearranging some things around the house. A lot of things have been unloaded into the school room where the definitely don't belong.

     I have been meaning to speak to my husband about it, but we have just been so busy with the move, preparing for him to get out of the Army and finances. I am considering putting my vet technician on hold and enrolling in the Agriculture program being that it is truly what I wanted to study. Since it is an actual degree from an actual college. It might be more beneficial for our family. There is several courses we could take right now. The possibilities are endless. I really want us to have our own business, but my love seems leery. 

You called me a what!?!?

     Well our day is coming to a close. All the kids have been fed, washed, read to, and are presumed to be sleeping. My love has left for work and I've cleaned up the kitchen. I am about to pick up what will be my school room in about two weeks when I shift through all the boxes that are currently being stored in it then pull it together.  Currently I'm just sitting here watching my dogs run around the yard while I drink my coffee and thinking. 

     What does it mean to other women to be a wife? Is it ju jst something to pass your time? Is it a chore? Is it something you just felt was suppose to be such as growing up? Is it a friendship you share with someone? A title?  A label?  An entitlement? 

     I was young and confused as to what went into being a wife when I married my 1st husband. We were both to immature to take on a marriage and it all turned sour and left a terrible after taste in our mouths for a good while.  I've done a lot of healing and can enjoy life now with the title wife without resentment.  I pray he can move passed it one day and settle down.

    I married my husband very shortly after my divorce was final. It was about two years from leaving my ex husband to marrying my love. That may not seem like much and I probably still wasn't as ready for marriage as I could have been.  The 1st 3 years with my love was a struggle and we both had growing up to do and made mistakes and hurt each other. We did it all together though.  We worked together and grew together. We formed an amazing loving friendship. I adorn his last name because I am his, I belong to him and I belong with him.

     Our children are amazing and fun little people. We strive to give them wonderful childhoods and raise them to be polite, productive, with ethics and morals,  and joys to be around. They bring smiles to our faces and LOTS of sounds to our life. However, when everything is down to the black and white he is the reason I do what I do. He is why I cook, clean,  do the laundry,  clear the table, sweep,  make the bed, mow the yard, do the dishes,  etc. The kids don't care if the house is a mess, if they have clean clothes,  if we eat cereal 3 times a day, or if the grass comes to their chests. They just care that their tummies are full, that mommy and daddy loves them, and that they have something to smile about.

     My love keeps me sane, calm, and loving our life together.  In return for all the meaning he brings to my life I do my best to please him and make his life enjoyable.  I try to keep him happy, proud of us, I try to make his wants and needs important and possible.  I try to keep him smiling and laughing.  I try to put him before myself and follow his lead. Because of him daily I try to better myself. If I and good enough for an amazing person like him surely I have worth and meaning in my life. He is my lover.  He is my best friend. He is my support system.  He is my teacher.  He is my confidence at times. Because of him I am a wife.

     Our marriage is not perfect.  We don't always see eye to eye. We get on each other's nerves,  we bicker, we have bad days, and we've made each other cry, but we are WE. Two hearts that became one. No personal identity lost but meaning gained.

     Thank you God for putting him on my path to walk together and allowing me to be his WIFE.

Another day in our crazy house.

My oldest two babies went to visit their father in Texas on Tuesday. I never noticed how much they really entertained the younger three until today while my love was trying to nap cause he's working all night. A fox got to our female rabbit last night. While they are for meat that we have them, I'm glad none of the kids saw that mess. We went to the farmer's market this morning and got some wonderful fresh milk, cream, eggs, tomatoes, and some crocheted hand towels for the kitchen. I can't wait til we get back to the farm in Texas with our cows, horses, chickens, and rabbits. I'm going to miss the Clarksville area. We have made some wonderful friends here. I hope I will be able to say the same about the place we plan on settling down at.

Update!

The deployment is over and we have started the count down to the day that we are done with military life and move back to the family farm in Texas. Time for major buckling down.  We are also in the process of moving off post. We now have TWO horses and *hopefully* my mare is pregnant. My oldest two leave tomorrow to spend the summer with their dad :( I always miss them greatly. We have a nice large yard now. Its nice that the kids have a place to play and we are going to use the enclosed breeze way as our school room. Homeschooling is surely going to be an adventure next year but I'm excited. I'm taking my lit exam today so wish me luck. I have a strong conviction that we have an at home business,  but I'm not sure what to do yet and my love is hesitant. Pray that we find the direction that God has for us. I'm really hoping to spend next summer with my grandma learn some of the wonderful things she knows how to do. Their is so much we can learn from the people around us if we would just have the drive and commitment to learn it. Listening to my children play together and thinking about our future, if they don't gain anything else from me I hope the gain the want and drive to always yearn to better themselves.  I couldn't be more blessed to have such a great family and some wonderful friends.  I love them all.

Budget cuts, homeschooling, and compassion fatigue...

I am STRESSED! I really want this deployment to be over. It has been almost a month of sick kids back to back, financial disasters, and big attitudes. Now the military is taking major budget cuts. I get the money has to come from somewhere and we will survive no matter what happens, it is just making my life a lot harder right now. I really can't remember sleeping past 7am or showering before 8:30pm. I haven't had a down day in a long while. I really miss my partner in all this. I can't wait for the day when this deployment is over and we can close this chapter. I can't say everything has been bad about this deployment though. I have learned a lot about myself, my limitations, who is really a friend and who really doesn't matter. We've had deployment gremlins and we've had heavenly blessings all come our way. I'm just ready to not have to weather everything, the good and the bad, alone. The compassion fatigue is wearing on me bad. For now, we continue to wait...