Depression never goes away but we keep fighting

Every year one of the resolutions I make but don't ever talk about is that this year is the year I won't give in to my depression and let it dictate a single day of my life. Even when insomnia takes hold, I spend hours crying, my body hurts, my brain can't be silenced, and all I want is to quiet the world around me, to be still and move as little as possible. 

This is not the first battle, I've probably lost more battles in my life then I've won, given in to it, but I keep pushing on. I feel too much, everything. Most people think of me as cold hearted, blunt, and shallow. The truth is people's words and actions haunt my thoughts even if I know I've done nothing wrong. The truth is the ONLY thing I wouldn't give up is my family. I've fought this fight since I was a preteen. I've rejected and sought help. I've drank, I've hid, ran, stayed, left, chased adrenaline, etc. 

I've had people say they admire how far I've come. They can remember how "troubled" I was and how well I'm doing now. 

They want to know what my secret is. The secret? There is no secret. It's still a fight. Depression is still ugly. It still haunts my thoughts, steals my sleep, crumbles my days. I have just come to accept that it will always be there and pop up when you should be happy and embracing the blessings in your life. 

Today I accept that I will have to use all my will power to stay out of my bed, interact with my family, and do simple chores to keep our household clean, healthy, and moving forward because this is my battle. 

I've done well this year... this is my first spell this bad since last September/October, and that is a great victory. I may not be ok tomorrow or the next day, but I WILL be ok again. There is sooo much more I could say about depression, my personal experience, treatments, research, what's wrong, what caused this bout, and how I'm handling but it's redundant. 

Careful what you wish for

I started this year wanting to change our stars and that is still the goal. However, I made the horrible mistake of complaining about and praying for our life to be less mundane. 

Oh boy did I screw that one up! 

I pretty much got laid off at work. They cannot afford to keep me on so I am looking for a new job, but have not received a call back. My vehicle is running but until we get a new shift motor and tires it might as well not be. We are so close to financially get some breathing room when for some stupid reason the bank sent our check back even though the checks have been going there for 3 years now. Logan got bucked off a horse and broke him arm, hello medical bills. My husband's grandmother was taken to the hospital and the results were not good. Everyone is very stressed out about her health and rightfully so. 

I want so bad to get rid of a lot of our meaningless possessions. Declutter or lives and move on to more enjoyable things. I have started this process some by downsizing our clothes. Still have a long way to go but it is a start. 

Nothing has gone right today and the stress is heavy, but with the sound of my children enjoying the summer and watching the kittens play cheerfully, my heart is light. 

I know God has a reason and something great planned for us. I just can't give up hope and keep moving forward. 

Crazy Chicken Lady

Farm Chronicles

My husband called me a crazy chicken lady! He's going to think I'm even more crazy when I bring it to his attention that I intend on ordering 10 more chicks come March, show quality chicks that is. These chicks are almost double the price of the chickens that we normally order, but our children wish to do 4-H this coming season and I think chickens will be a nice introductory animal.

I love watching my chickens scratching for bugs, taking dust baths, and enjoying their new coop that I was excited to get to paint this week. It was considerably warmer in thier coop during these last few days with freezing temperatures.

Today the chickens are out and about just as happy as could be. They may not be song birds but they coo and chirp while they merrily play in the sunshine 

We had wanted to be done with the calf pen already, but the weather did not cooperate with us. A lot of progress continues to be made though and that is truly what matters.

Soon we will be done renovating a trailer into a tool shed giving us somewhere to store many of our tools instead of unsightly on my porch.

Minimalist Journey

We have been downsizing and getting rid of a lot of things. We got rid of tons of belongings already. This weeks goal is to rid ourselves of the catch all broken china cabinet and most of the items on it. Having more room in the living room has been liberating.

We also got rid of satellite TV. We don't need it. We ended up only watching roughly 5 channels and paid over $100 (!) for it. Instead we have just internet, netflix, DVDs, and VHS. 

We will be doing more camping, hiking, sports, bike riding, and fishing instead of TV and movies. No more trips to the pool come summer instead our own above ground pool and inviting friends over. Instead of driving into town to watch a movie and spending over $100 each time we will get a projector and watch movies here outside with popcorn and a monthly budget of $20 for movies ($5-$7 movie bin at Walmart will be our friend).  This will cut our entertainment costs by a lot with minimum upfront costs. The kids have a large trampoline, a Playscape, and soon a swing set.

Family Life

Spring football and cheer will be starting up again. The kids are excited, but my oldest daughter has decided this will be her last season in cheer and she will move on to 4-H in the fall. My younger daughter is set on cheer while the boys still seem enthralled with football.

A lot has gone sideways in our small community here recently and it has struck everyone deep. Between deaths, illnesses, accidents, and burglaries the community has been shaken.

One thing that we regret is not having been active in the community this past year. One of the ways we are going to change that is by starting to attend church again which we haven't because of my work schedule. No more excuses. While I do wish the church had more of a youth ministry they seem to genuinely care for our family. Could someone really ask for anything more?

Homestead Goals for 2017

This year we are dedicating all our time and resources to getting our homestead working and functional. We ended the 2016 year with a 20 bale hay delivery and 2 calves.

We have many goals for this year, lots of physical labor and building. This week alone we have done some more work on the calf pen and picked up the wood to finish out the chicken coop. All the framing was done with repurposed wood. Also a big concern and push to get the coop finished here very soon as the coyotes and stray dogs are bad this time of year. We need to make sure our flock is safe!

 So the hopes are to have the pig tiller and chicken coop finished this week.

We have 19 of the 25 chickens we want to have for this year already.

Today Buttercup and Brisket got a new grain and hay feeder installed. They love it!

This beautiful mare has also joined the farm. My oldest daughter has dubbed her Angel. She is sure a gorgeous girl and a nice trail horse. We hope to do a lot more ridding this year.

One of our family goals for this year is to go camping more. We plan to do just that! I made reservations for one weekend coming up this month at a state park not too far from us!

Our list of veggies to garden this year is carrots, green beans, okra, tomatoes, and peppers. Fruits that will be planted are strawberries, orange, lemon, and elderberry.

I hope y'all have had a wonderful Christmas and New Year!

Christmas List- Oh how times have changed

In a group on Facebook, that I am apart of, they were talking about Christmas wish lists. I started thinking about what I wanted for Christmas and how things have changed over the years. People listing luxury items and some functional things. In high school I wanted things like a specific pair of jeans, a CD from my at the time favorite band, vans, headphones, etc... I have my children's Christmas list that are full of things like the latest toy on TV and something cool one of their friends have at school.

A lot in my life has changed from those days, a lot has changed in the last 2 years alone. Yes we have been at the farm now for just over two years, but nothing seemed to progress.

In the last 6 months things have fallen apart and rebuilt differently than before making way for some hope, some progress. We have made some actual friends here now, not ones who said one thing and then did another. We were in a bad accident that totalled our truck and unfortunately the other driver didn't make it. Our prayers are with his family. My cousin has come to live with us on the farm and has turned out to be a big help. I have a great boss for my weekend job and the local farmers/ranchers have kept Michael busy. My oldest son has had a lot better school year and played football. My girls enjoyed cheer, but one of my girls grades suffered a little so we will have to reevaluate for next year.

We are doing a lot of under brush clearing, we have already started on fencing the rest of our property in, a barn will be going in soon, we have bees, rabbits, chickens, horses, pigs, and soon a few cows will be added. A garden, the way I wanted it, is being put in for spring this year with cold frames around the perimeter. A heater was put in the bathroom and a shower is being piped in. We fixed the majority of the wiring in the house as well. My porch has been turned into a greenhouse to save my more tropical sapling from winter.  We also have a huge delivery of hay coming in next week. We are in the middle of training a miniature to pull a wagon. In return we will get a wagon of our own to train our miniature to pull. We had two family heirloom children saddles repaired back to riding condition as well so we excited to see our children get a chance to use them.

So that brings us back to my wish list for Christmas this year. I wish for insulated work gloves, winter socks, a vacuum sealer with bags, a DSLR camera, and piping for my wood burning stove. I know the DSLR camera is highly unlikely as it has been on my list for years now, but I am hopeful for the rest and my fingers are crossed!

Teen rant

Ready for a rant??? Teen pregnancy! (I'll give some of y'all a moment to shutter or roll your eyes which ever you prefer) I'm very much an advocate of waiting until you are married. Teenagers should NOT being having sex. They are young, hormonal, and have NO idea what they are getting themselves into!!!!! For most teens it's really just the thrill of sneaking around and the possibility of getting caught. If this is some of you younger friend's on my Facebook take some advice here please. Take up a sport, hunting, off roading, rollerblading, hiking, zip lining, performing arts, something else. You will get so much more out of it. Most teenage relationships don't last and then you will just feel empty, used, and angry plus other possible consequences. Before anyone yells and stomps their feet at me... I did say most. Some people beat the odds, does the unconventional thing, and lives happily ever after... If that's you congratulations. Now I'm sure their will be that other person that reads this and goes. Whatever chick, you have no idea what you are talking about. I am a statistic. I came from an upper middle class family. I went to a decent school. I had great friends. I was involved in the school and sports. I was smart enough to have been able to pass with flying colors. I was however an angry rebellious teenager. I skipped school a lot, snuck out, stayed up late, and slept in a lot. You couldn't tell me anything or make me do anything that I didn't want to do. I got pregnant and had my first baby at 17. I dropped out of school. I was homeless. I worked in a bar then fast food. Had places to live and then didn't. Had no support system. Had a bad relationship. Had very few real friends. Had my second baby at 19. I finally got up the courage to change my life. I ended the bad relationship, worked my rear end off to fix the bridges I burned. I went home where I knew we would have a support system, a roof, beds, food, and clean clothes. I found real love. I also had the chance to finish high school at 21 while 7 months pregnant with my 3rd child. My kids and I got a second chance. I sat in that classroom a lot when I went back to school and found myself wanting to cry just listening to the younger students there. We were the "at risk" students. A lot of them really didn't know what that meant. They just knew that they had jobs that conflicted with school, or they were pregnant, or that they could hurry up and finish high school faster there so they didn't have to stay with their parents anymore who were always trying to tell them how to live their lives. They thought I was their ages 15-17. They thought I was pregnant with my first baby until one day I signed myself out of school to take my oldest daughter to the doctor then stopped by on the way back after leaving my cell phone there accidently. They were even shocked that I had two kids in tow, I could sign myself in and out of school, was divorced, and pregnant with my third child. It really through them for a loop. Then it threw me for one. Girls asking me how much I get for child support, who was my baby's daddy if I was divorced, if my parents took care of my kids while I was at school or work. And so many other questions. They were living in the land of milk and cookies. I envied them. They were going to graduate on time while mommy and daddy took care of their baby and supported them. They got jobs so they could go to the movies and buy name brand clothes. They were the fade that teen pregnancy had/has become. Regardless we were all a statistic. These people thought it was hard when they really had it made. I had some people I knew back then that had a different story though. They had a story a lot like mine. Sad, lonely stories of being abandoned, abused, hungry, homeless, no support, no help, it feels like drowning over and over again.I wish I could be now the support those girls needed back then. How different our lives would be if we had had that. Sometimes being a statistic hurts. I wish I had an actual education. I didn't value it back then. I would have stayed home and would have let my parents help me. I wouldn't have a lot of the issues I have had. I would have never know what it felt like to not eat for days so that I knew my children could eat. I would have never known what it feels like to live in your car when there is a few inches of snow on the ground.

The Lonely Pepsi

The Lonely Pepsi

For a week now there has been a single lonely pepsi sitting on the table in my dinning room... I clean daily, but just havent remove it. You see, no one that currently lives here drinks pepsi. I think I leave it there for memories sake. Such a trivial, insignificant thing most would think, but I kind of like it. 

The night of December 3rd was the last night Michael would be home before he had to go back to Afghanistan to do his job, his duty to our country and our family. We ate dinner that night standing around the small table while mom and the kids sat. Us sipping the drinks I made for him, Yoana, and myself, pineapple juice (yes heather you read that right pineapple juice, I bet I atleast got a smile out of you), orange juice, and coconut rum. Of course I was anticipating him leaving and my drink was stronger then everyone else. Michael had just sat his unopened pepsi down on the table when I appeared with our drinks. We ate and drank and then as we were finishing Yoana left to go pick up her brother from some sports thing... I think... It was ice cold that night.

As soon as Yoana left we retreated to the outdoor hot tub. Thank you mom for taking on all 3 of my darling little brats. I admire your courage lol. We spent probably a good hour playing in the water and enjoying each others company on our last night together until this summer when he returns to us. We laughed so much that night both our sides hurt. A few times he laughed so hard I was afraid he was going to go under and drown (not real). Then the propane heater got too hot and put a damper on our evening but even through shivering had fun daring each other to get out of the pool into the freezing cold air to check on the heater... lol I love you baby... he did it not me... brrrr... it was cold. 

We finally got out of the now cold water to snuggle up on the couch together with some hot chocolate and old episodes of the nanny until we fell asleep. 

He woke me at 3:30 am, telling me he had already finished packing his stuff into the truck and said his goodbye to the kids that it was time to go the airport to drop him off. Brainlessly still wearing my black CCC youth group shirt and gray boxers slipped on my moms ugly pink flip flops and climbed into the truck. We stopped for gas and then without speaking drove to the Harlingen airport. 

As we pulled into the airport it really hit me he was leaving again and I teared up. He sat in the parking lot looking at me for a few then kissed me and with a single tear escaping from his eye said remember baby I love only you and you have the hardest job in the Army, but you have to be strong for all of us. He kissed me again and said he had to go get his ticket and make it to his gate. I nodded and said I love you. Without any other words he grabbed his bag and left. I sat and watched him walk away. Every other time he left he never looked back, but this time as he reached the big arch in the opening of the ticket terminal he did, but only for a momment... I never felt his love more then right then when he simply looked back at me. I considered getting out and running up to him for one more hug. I knew it would only make it harder to watch him leave though. I broke down into a fit of tears and watched him walk all the way up to the ticket counter before driving away.

The lady at the parking lot exit asked me if I was ok as I handed her my parking ticket. I told her I just had to drop off my husband so that he could go back to Afghanistan. She looked sad as I said that and said Im so sorry, may God bless you both and tell him Thank you for me. I said I would and thanked her as I drove away. I drove by the Target that 2 week earlier he surprised me and Kayley at. It was the lonliest drive home, but I was filed with pride and love for my baby.

Upon returning home I was restless. almost 2 hours later after changing into his shirt and cuddling our daughter I finally fell asleep. Sara woke me 45mins later with a "Mama, where's Michael" "He had to go back to the Army baby" "Like Grampa and my uncle" "yes baby, but he went to Afghanistan not Iraq" "wheres that?" "far away baby" "mama dont cry I love you" I love you too baby" I leaned over to hug her and noticed his pepsi still sitting on the table from the night before. My mind replayed what it remembered took place the night before all centered around Michael's pepsi and I cried. 

We were so happy we got to see or talk to everyone we did while Michael was home and if we missed you I hope we get to see or hear from you next time we are all home together this summer. 

~JessyLynn 

I wrote this December 10, 2009