Depression never goes away but we keep fighting

Every year one of the resolutions I make but don't ever talk about is that this year is the year I won't give in to my depression and let it dictate a single day of my life. Even when insomnia takes hold, I spend hours crying, my body hurts, my brain can't be silenced, and all I want is to quiet the world around me, to be still and move as little as possible. 

This is not the first battle, I've probably lost more battles in my life then I've won, given in to it, but I keep pushing on. I feel too much, everything. Most people think of me as cold hearted, blunt, and shallow. The truth is people's words and actions haunt my thoughts even if I know I've done nothing wrong. The truth is the ONLY thing I wouldn't give up is my family. I've fought this fight since I was a preteen. I've rejected and sought help. I've drank, I've hid, ran, stayed, left, chased adrenaline, etc. 

I've had people say they admire how far I've come. They can remember how "troubled" I was and how well I'm doing now. 

They want to know what my secret is. The secret? There is no secret. It's still a fight. Depression is still ugly. It still haunts my thoughts, steals my sleep, crumbles my days. I have just come to accept that it will always be there and pop up when you should be happy and embracing the blessings in your life. 

Today I accept that I will have to use all my will power to stay out of my bed, interact with my family, and do simple chores to keep our household clean, healthy, and moving forward because this is my battle. 

I've done well this year... this is my first spell this bad since last September/October, and that is a great victory. I may not be ok tomorrow or the next day, but I WILL be ok again. There is sooo much more I could say about depression, my personal experience, treatments, research, what's wrong, what caused this bout, and how I'm handling but it's redundant.