Depression never goes away but we keep fighting

Every year one of the resolutions I make but don't ever talk about is that this year is the year I won't give in to my depression and let it dictate a single day of my life. Even when insomnia takes hold, I spend hours crying, my body hurts, my brain can't be silenced, and all I want is to quiet the world around me, to be still and move as little as possible. 

This is not the first battle, I've probably lost more battles in my life then I've won, given in to it, but I keep pushing on. I feel too much, everything. Most people think of me as cold hearted, blunt, and shallow. The truth is people's words and actions haunt my thoughts even if I know I've done nothing wrong. The truth is the ONLY thing I wouldn't give up is my family. I've fought this fight since I was a preteen. I've rejected and sought help. I've drank, I've hid, ran, stayed, left, chased adrenaline, etc. 

I've had people say they admire how far I've come. They can remember how "troubled" I was and how well I'm doing now. 

They want to know what my secret is. The secret? There is no secret. It's still a fight. Depression is still ugly. It still haunts my thoughts, steals my sleep, crumbles my days. I have just come to accept that it will always be there and pop up when you should be happy and embracing the blessings in your life. 

Today I accept that I will have to use all my will power to stay out of my bed, interact with my family, and do simple chores to keep our household clean, healthy, and moving forward because this is my battle. 

I've done well this year... this is my first spell this bad since last September/October, and that is a great victory. I may not be ok tomorrow or the next day, but I WILL be ok again. There is sooo much more I could say about depression, my personal experience, treatments, research, what's wrong, what caused this bout, and how I'm handling but it's redundant. 

Careful what you wish for

I started this year wanting to change our stars and that is still the goal. However, I made the horrible mistake of complaining about and praying for our life to be less mundane. 

Oh boy did I screw that one up! 

I pretty much got laid off at work. They cannot afford to keep me on so I am looking for a new job, but have not received a call back. My vehicle is running but until we get a new shift motor and tires it might as well not be. We are so close to financially get some breathing room when for some stupid reason the bank sent our check back even though the checks have been going there for 3 years now. Logan got bucked off a horse and broke him arm, hello medical bills. My husband's grandmother was taken to the hospital and the results were not good. Everyone is very stressed out about her health and rightfully so. 

I want so bad to get rid of a lot of our meaningless possessions. Declutter or lives and move on to more enjoyable things. I have started this process some by downsizing our clothes. Still have a long way to go but it is a start. 

Nothing has gone right today and the stress is heavy, but with the sound of my children enjoying the summer and watching the kittens play cheerfully, my heart is light. 

I know God has a reason and something great planned for us. I just can't give up hope and keep moving forward. 

Crazy Chicken Lady

Farm Chronicles

My husband called me a crazy chicken lady! He's going to think I'm even more crazy when I bring it to his attention that I intend on ordering 10 more chicks come March, show quality chicks that is. These chicks are almost double the price of the chickens that we normally order, but our children wish to do 4-H this coming season and I think chickens will be a nice introductory animal.

I love watching my chickens scratching for bugs, taking dust baths, and enjoying their new coop that I was excited to get to paint this week. It was considerably warmer in thier coop during these last few days with freezing temperatures.

Today the chickens are out and about just as happy as could be. They may not be song birds but they coo and chirp while they merrily play in the sunshine 

We had wanted to be done with the calf pen already, but the weather did not cooperate with us. A lot of progress continues to be made though and that is truly what matters.

Soon we will be done renovating a trailer into a tool shed giving us somewhere to store many of our tools instead of unsightly on my porch.

Minimalist Journey

We have been downsizing and getting rid of a lot of things. We got rid of tons of belongings already. This weeks goal is to rid ourselves of the catch all broken china cabinet and most of the items on it. Having more room in the living room has been liberating.

We also got rid of satellite TV. We don't need it. We ended up only watching roughly 5 channels and paid over $100 (!) for it. Instead we have just internet, netflix, DVDs, and VHS. 

We will be doing more camping, hiking, sports, bike riding, and fishing instead of TV and movies. No more trips to the pool come summer instead our own above ground pool and inviting friends over. Instead of driving into town to watch a movie and spending over $100 each time we will get a projector and watch movies here outside with popcorn and a monthly budget of $20 for movies ($5-$7 movie bin at Walmart will be our friend).  This will cut our entertainment costs by a lot with minimum upfront costs. The kids have a large trampoline, a Playscape, and soon a swing set.

Family Life

Spring football and cheer will be starting up again. The kids are excited, but my oldest daughter has decided this will be her last season in cheer and she will move on to 4-H in the fall. My younger daughter is set on cheer while the boys still seem enthralled with football.

A lot has gone sideways in our small community here recently and it has struck everyone deep. Between deaths, illnesses, accidents, and burglaries the community has been shaken.

One thing that we regret is not having been active in the community this past year. One of the ways we are going to change that is by starting to attend church again which we haven't because of my work schedule. No more excuses. While I do wish the church had more of a youth ministry they seem to genuinely care for our family. Could someone really ask for anything more?

Homestead Goals for 2017

This year we are dedicating all our time and resources to getting our homestead working and functional. We ended the 2016 year with a 20 bale hay delivery and 2 calves.

We have many goals for this year, lots of physical labor and building. This week alone we have done some more work on the calf pen and picked up the wood to finish out the chicken coop. All the framing was done with repurposed wood. Also a big concern and push to get the coop finished here very soon as the coyotes and stray dogs are bad this time of year. We need to make sure our flock is safe!

 So the hopes are to have the pig tiller and chicken coop finished this week.

We have 19 of the 25 chickens we want to have for this year already.

Today Buttercup and Brisket got a new grain and hay feeder installed. They love it!

This beautiful mare has also joined the farm. My oldest daughter has dubbed her Angel. She is sure a gorgeous girl and a nice trail horse. We hope to do a lot more ridding this year.

One of our family goals for this year is to go camping more. We plan to do just that! I made reservations for one weekend coming up this month at a state park not too far from us!

Our list of veggies to garden this year is carrots, green beans, okra, tomatoes, and peppers. Fruits that will be planted are strawberries, orange, lemon, and elderberry.

I hope y'all have had a wonderful Christmas and New Year!