Teen rant

Ready for a rant??? Teen pregnancy! (I'll give some of y'all a moment to shutter or roll your eyes which ever you prefer) I'm very much an advocate of waiting until you are married. Teenagers should NOT being having sex. They are young, hormonal, and have NO idea what they are getting themselves into!!!!! For most teens it's really just the thrill of sneaking around and the possibility of getting caught. If this is some of you younger friend's on my Facebook take some advice here please. Take up a sport, hunting, off roading, rollerblading, hiking, zip lining, performing arts, something else. You will get so much more out of it. Most teenage relationships don't last and then you will just feel empty, used, and angry plus other possible consequences. Before anyone yells and stomps their feet at me... I did say most. Some people beat the odds, does the unconventional thing, and lives happily ever after... If that's you congratulations. Now I'm sure their will be that other person that reads this and goes. Whatever chick, you have no idea what you are talking about. I am a statistic. I came from an upper middle class family. I went to a decent school. I had great friends. I was involved in the school and sports. I was smart enough to have been able to pass with flying colors. I was however an angry rebellious teenager. I skipped school a lot, snuck out, stayed up late, and slept in a lot. You couldn't tell me anything or make me do anything that I didn't want to do. I got pregnant and had my first baby at 17. I dropped out of school. I was homeless. I worked in a bar then fast food. Had places to live and then didn't. Had no support system. Had a bad relationship. Had very few real friends. Had my second baby at 19. I finally got up the courage to change my life. I ended the bad relationship, worked my rear end off to fix the bridges I burned. I went home where I knew we would have a support system, a roof, beds, food, and clean clothes. I found real love. I also had the chance to finish high school at 21 while 7 months pregnant with my 3rd child. My kids and I got a second chance. I sat in that classroom a lot when I went back to school and found myself wanting to cry just listening to the younger students there. We were the "at risk" students. A lot of them really didn't know what that meant. They just knew that they had jobs that conflicted with school, or they were pregnant, or that they could hurry up and finish high school faster there so they didn't have to stay with their parents anymore who were always trying to tell them how to live their lives. They thought I was their ages 15-17. They thought I was pregnant with my first baby until one day I signed myself out of school to take my oldest daughter to the doctor then stopped by on the way back after leaving my cell phone there accidently. They were even shocked that I had two kids in tow, I could sign myself in and out of school, was divorced, and pregnant with my third child. It really through them for a loop. Then it threw me for one. Girls asking me how much I get for child support, who was my baby's daddy if I was divorced, if my parents took care of my kids while I was at school or work. And so many other questions. They were living in the land of milk and cookies. I envied them. They were going to graduate on time while mommy and daddy took care of their baby and supported them. They got jobs so they could go to the movies and buy name brand clothes. They were the fade that teen pregnancy had/has become. Regardless we were all a statistic. These people thought it was hard when they really had it made. I had some people I knew back then that had a different story though. They had a story a lot like mine. Sad, lonely stories of being abandoned, abused, hungry, homeless, no support, no help, it feels like drowning over and over again.I wish I could be now the support those girls needed back then. How different our lives would be if we had had that. Sometimes being a statistic hurts. I wish I had an actual education. I didn't value it back then. I would have stayed home and would have let my parents help me. I wouldn't have a lot of the issues I have had. I would have never know what it felt like to not eat for days so that I knew my children could eat. I would have never known what it feels like to live in your car when there is a few inches of snow on the ground.

The Lonely Pepsi

The Lonely Pepsi

For a week now there has been a single lonely pepsi sitting on the table in my dinning room... I clean daily, but just havent remove it. You see, no one that currently lives here drinks pepsi. I think I leave it there for memories sake. Such a trivial, insignificant thing most would think, but I kind of like it. 

The night of December 3rd was the last night Michael would be home before he had to go back to Afghanistan to do his job, his duty to our country and our family. We ate dinner that night standing around the small table while mom and the kids sat. Us sipping the drinks I made for him, Yoana, and myself, pineapple juice (yes heather you read that right pineapple juice, I bet I atleast got a smile out of you), orange juice, and coconut rum. Of course I was anticipating him leaving and my drink was stronger then everyone else. Michael had just sat his unopened pepsi down on the table when I appeared with our drinks. We ate and drank and then as we were finishing Yoana left to go pick up her brother from some sports thing... I think... It was ice cold that night.

As soon as Yoana left we retreated to the outdoor hot tub. Thank you mom for taking on all 3 of my darling little brats. I admire your courage lol. We spent probably a good hour playing in the water and enjoying each others company on our last night together until this summer when he returns to us. We laughed so much that night both our sides hurt. A few times he laughed so hard I was afraid he was going to go under and drown (not real). Then the propane heater got too hot and put a damper on our evening but even through shivering had fun daring each other to get out of the pool into the freezing cold air to check on the heater... lol I love you baby... he did it not me... brrrr... it was cold. 

We finally got out of the now cold water to snuggle up on the couch together with some hot chocolate and old episodes of the nanny until we fell asleep. 

He woke me at 3:30 am, telling me he had already finished packing his stuff into the truck and said his goodbye to the kids that it was time to go the airport to drop him off. Brainlessly still wearing my black CCC youth group shirt and gray boxers slipped on my moms ugly pink flip flops and climbed into the truck. We stopped for gas and then without speaking drove to the Harlingen airport. 

As we pulled into the airport it really hit me he was leaving again and I teared up. He sat in the parking lot looking at me for a few then kissed me and with a single tear escaping from his eye said remember baby I love only you and you have the hardest job in the Army, but you have to be strong for all of us. He kissed me again and said he had to go get his ticket and make it to his gate. I nodded and said I love you. Without any other words he grabbed his bag and left. I sat and watched him walk away. Every other time he left he never looked back, but this time as he reached the big arch in the opening of the ticket terminal he did, but only for a momment... I never felt his love more then right then when he simply looked back at me. I considered getting out and running up to him for one more hug. I knew it would only make it harder to watch him leave though. I broke down into a fit of tears and watched him walk all the way up to the ticket counter before driving away.

The lady at the parking lot exit asked me if I was ok as I handed her my parking ticket. I told her I just had to drop off my husband so that he could go back to Afghanistan. She looked sad as I said that and said Im so sorry, may God bless you both and tell him Thank you for me. I said I would and thanked her as I drove away. I drove by the Target that 2 week earlier he surprised me and Kayley at. It was the lonliest drive home, but I was filed with pride and love for my baby.

Upon returning home I was restless. almost 2 hours later after changing into his shirt and cuddling our daughter I finally fell asleep. Sara woke me 45mins later with a "Mama, where's Michael" "He had to go back to the Army baby" "Like Grampa and my uncle" "yes baby, but he went to Afghanistan not Iraq" "wheres that?" "far away baby" "mama dont cry I love you" I love you too baby" I leaned over to hug her and noticed his pepsi still sitting on the table from the night before. My mind replayed what it remembered took place the night before all centered around Michael's pepsi and I cried. 

We were so happy we got to see or talk to everyone we did while Michael was home and if we missed you I hope we get to see or hear from you next time we are all home together this summer. 

~JessyLynn 

I wrote this December 10, 2009

Old Red

After days like today I miss a dear companion of mine from my childhood. She has passed on since those blissful days, but we sure did have fun, went through so much, and trusted each other.

I miss those carefree days with my greatest sidekick old Red Dog. 15 years ago we were both in the best part of our lives. We would have spent today running through the orchards, chasing rabbits in the brush, or exploring an abandoned building. Just her and I in nature doing what we wanted. Many times we would sit by the pond behind the house watching ducks and fish, as she listened encouragingly to all my accomplishments, joys, sorrows and pains. She'd sit there with me as I poured my heart out to God. She would run and jump for joy when I was happy dancing around. Even when I was mad and pushed her a way she was understanding and loving when I was ready for her company again.

Today I wish you were with me old Red Dog. You got me through some pretty harsh times in my life like no one else could. I wish I could hug you and sit at that pond with you one more time. Thank you dear friend, there will never be any replacing you. One day I will see you again and we will run through the clouds together.

Home on the ranch.

Here at the Rocking GJ things are coming along slowly. We have been working on my in law's house so we can finish getting them moved, so we can start fixing up our cabin and building pens for the animals. I'm hoping to get started on that before fall really hits.

School started last week for my oldest three. The mornings are a lot earlier for us now. We are up by 4:45am getting ready then off to the bus stop by 6:10am. They seem to like their classes so far and I pray they all flourish. They don't really comprehend yet that they will graduate high school with most of these kids now because we aren't going anywhere.

We are still looking for work, but very hopeful we find something soon, very soon. We have phone bills, truck payments, and utilities that will be due, not to mention food, and all our resources are now tapped out. Pray something presents itself as soon as possible.

In adjacent to working on my in law's house, we have worked out a deal with a woman who runs a rescue for work in trade for goods that we need for our cabin, flooring, tiles, paint, etc. I am hoping we can also get a wood burning stove before it gets too cold here.

Not that we have seen much of a break from the heat here in central Texas, but my mind has already left summer behind and is preparing for cooler temperatures. I must prepare the children, cabin, and animals for it before the temperature drops. Luckily we purchased thick coats for the children at the end of the season last year when we found carhart like coats at 60% off. We were able to get them for roughly $17 each. Of course we bought them in bigger sizes than was needed at the time.

My children are seeming to adjust well to rural life so far. This week we are focusing on finishing the bathroom for my in laws. Next week I really want to set up a place for the kids to play that is all theirs. Ideally we will pull out all the underbrush, clean up the area from trash and fallen limbs, move the picnic table for them to be able to use and paint it with chalkboard paint, put up the swing set, and build a small fence possibly out of wooden pallets. At some point it would be nice to build them a fort to play in and store their outside toys in.

We walked around the front half of the property, which is where we are going to put most of our projects being that it is close to our cabin. It is beautiful and has a lot of potential, but needs a lot of work.

My love had a job interview this past Saturday and I am hopeful that I receive a call back today about a job. However we have more applications out and will be putting more in since nothing is definite yet.

A lot of people probably think I have forgotten about them or ignoring them. This is not the case and you are very much on my mind. Currently working is going on from sun up to sun down. Most of the time I have to make non-business calls is before 7am or after 9pm. So please don't take my silence offensive. I still love you very much.

Until next time we will be here living life Off the path, around a corner, and down a dirt road.

He fought for me

While I am an Army wife, granddaughter, sister, and cousin to many branches of service this entry is for my father and America.

Happy fourth of July to all my readers that still believe in the country that so many of our beloved citizens fought and or died for.

Here we are, my children and I at my parents house playing outside with my mother in the garden, drinking coffee. Later we will play in the pool, eat a few burgers, and watch fireworks. As a child I was kind of irritated every fourth of July because my dad never took part in our activities longer than a few minutes. Why did he not want to be part of our lives? Why did he always hide from us? Most holidays were like this.

I get it now daddy. You went to war more than once for your family and country. The crowds and noise are intense reminders of the things you went through multiple times which are going to forever be trapped in your mind. The battle for you will never end.

You went to war so that I would not have to see the devastation of battle. In hopes of defending us from terrorist foreign or domestic. So you could see your children and grandchildren live the American dream freely.

You and so many before you have left families and friends behind to join and pick up arms to defend us. Some of your brothers passed on in violent ways right before your eyes.

So for all the years I was mad at you for missing my game, award ceremony, the birth of my children, and family events, I am truly sorry for being so ignorant and childish and I forgive you for being absent. I can't ever thank you and all the service members that fought with honor and pride for America enough for your sacrifice. I love you and America.

Here in Texas!

Hello from Rockport Texas! We have had so much going on, but not nearly enough!

Every time we have had time to plant it has rained. It is getting frustrating to not get things accomplished due to the weather. I am determined to get our seedlings in the ground even if it is raining this week! Our vining plants, corn, and sunflowers are simply not going to wait for us any longer. 

Lucky's first litter of babies are due anytime now. I am very nervous on how she is going to handle birthing and motherhood. Pray everything goes smoothly for her and the babies.

This week we are welcoming six baby chicks, two cornish white, two rhode island reds, and two white leg horns. More prayers to hoping we ended up with a rooster in the bunch... and only one.

This week we also welcomed, my mare, Molly's long awaited foal. She had a beautiful healthy filly we have named Bell per my crazy girl Kayley's request.

We are also getting a cute little male blue heeler pup in a few weeks to add to our herd.

Sara ended up needing glasses when we went to the eye doctor last week. She picked out some cute blue frames. Kayley is officially potty trained and excited to be going to school next year. Michael Wayne is finally acting interested in the potty. Thomas is coming up with several new words a week. Logan had a boy scout camp this last weekend and had a blast! Everyone is hopeful Daddy will be home at least for a visit in 6-8weeks. We are having a great time staying with my grandmother. I start Spanish and algebra in college on the 7th. We are heading to visit my parents for a week on Thursday. I am going to start working on getting set up to be a scout leader for boy and girl scouts here soon too.

As y'all can tell we've got a lot going on around here getting a foundation for our new chapter in life started up. Now to iron out the wrinkles and get daddy home!

How much change is healthy for a person?

The little girl that changed my entire life several years ago just turned 8 the end of January. She was very excited with all her presents. She got a toy dog, a new fishing rod, a boombox, and an airsoft pistol.

Now we are back to reality. My cousin left this morning from our visit together and on the road to her new life with her husband and adorable son. I have an enormous amount of cleaning and packing to do still before the kids and I head to Texas. So much moving is going on not just with us but all around us.

I have also been considering other changes. Everyone probably knows I am currently majoring in environmental science with plans to transfer and major in agriculture.  The more and more I think about this though, and the more I progress my education the less it feels right. It seems like a ridiculous fantasy, but I feel that I should be writing to inspire people. People who have read my work before say mix things. Some people love my writing and question why I do not write more or get my work published. Other people are not as enthusiastic about my works and rate it very low. So I sit and ponder if I should stay on my current track or adventure to a less familiar path and write.